A Window to the Past
by JamSack
Summary: Lupin had never felt so broken. Each meeting with Harry left him feeling more depressed. This meeting more than ever. Set in PoA. Rated T for one strong word, and strong adult themes. Some LERL


AN: Quite possibly the most angsty dramatic thing I have ever written. actually… not possibly, it is. I wrote it while studying in the library for uni exams and listening to _A window from the past_ track on the PoA soundtrack. that beautiful pan flute music that is played around this scene where Harry is talking to Lupin. I'm not one for LERL… indifference really, but when ever I watch PoA I can't help but think, from the way David Thewlis does it, that there is some major unrequited love happening.

So I wrote this. It developed into way more than I thought it would. My hand/brain coordination kind of took a life of its own. but it could have been the horror of exams… I only had one though. education psychology – is kind of horrific actually.

_He has her eyes; he has my Lily's emerald eyes. Those eyes that loved my friend and never me._

_Those eyes that never saw me, never knew I longed to hold her close, to live at last in Lily's eyes._

I kind of altered the words to my favourite song from the musical The Secret Garden. It fit so well. The guy singing this song had some major unrequited love for his brother Archibald's late wife. Mary Lennox has Lily's eyes.

From the scene on the bridge – PoA

* * *

This wasn't exactly what he imagined himself doing on the morning before his monthly transformation, but Professor Lupin found himself talking with Harry Potter, the student that he had been both anxious to meet and avoid. Though after the class with the dementor though, he could have seen a conversation like this coming, just not in this way.

'Before I fainted', Harry began, 'I heard something…a woman, screaming.'

'Well, Dementors force us to relive our very worst memories; our pain becomes their power.' He knew that far too well.

'I think it was my mother, the night she was murdered.'

Lupin took a deep breath. They were delving into a place that he did not particularly want to go.

'You know, when I first saw you, I recognised you immediately." Harry's instantly thought of his recognisable forehead. 'No, not by your scar, by your eyes. There your mother Lily's.'

'Oh, yes. I knew her.' As a number of unbidden memories and moments claimed his mind, he turned to the other side of the bridge, staring at the mountains in the distance. He didn't want their son to see him struggle.

Your mother was there for me at a time when no-one else was. Not only was she a singularly gifted witch, but she was also an uncommonly kind woman. She had a way of seeing the beauty in others, even, and perhaps most especially, when that person could not see it in themselves.

He knew he would be seeing Harry when he took the position as Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. He had heard of his looks being startlingly similar to that of his father's, but he had been wholly unprepared for his sharp green eyes; a feature which he had always cherished in Lily.

'I'm sorry.' Harry said quietly. Lupin turned back to face him.

'For what?'

'Everyone's always said how much I look like my dad, and that I have my mum's eyes. It must be hard seeing me in them when they were your best friend's and they're dead… I mean, I never knew them like you did. And now you're back here, where you must have lots of memories of them.'

Once more Harry showed Remus that he had inherited his mother's traits; an innate sense of understanding what was troubling a person. Remus gave a dry laugh.

'You're quite right, Harry. It is hard. When I look into your eyes I see her. I remember it was here on this very bridge that your mother finally agreed to go out with James.'

'Finally?'

Remus fiddled with a button on his coat.' It took a lot of persuading Lily. They were kind of like "the Taming of the Shrew" pair. Not that your mother was a shrew or anything.' He gave a small chuckle. 'No. She just had a strong personality like James. Once they got past their verbal sparring, they got on like a house on fire.'

Remus tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice. After all it had happened so long ago, and he had never resented James for Lily's own choice.

'At their wedding Siri-, one of our friends made a remark that they were going to have a hard time keeping their kids from fighting each other.'

Harry tried to laugh at this, but the conversation was turning too melancholy for his liking. He had, after all, found Professor Lupin while wandering around the grounds trying to amuse himself. This wasn't particularly amusing, more depressing; especially at the mention of a sibling that he had never fought with. Depressing was not what he wanted while his friends were having fun in Hogsmeade.

'Which friend, professor?'

'Just one of your parent's friends, Harry.' Lupin grimaced at his idle slip-up. 'He is no longer living. Either from Voldemort or from guilt.' The last part was muttered more to himself than Harry as a familiar wave of anger began gnawing at him. A feeling that had become more frequent since the breakout of Sirius Black from Azkaban.

'It just sounded like you were going to say "Sirius", professor.'

Professor Lupin sighed wearily. 'Yes, Sirius Black was at your parent's wedding, Harry. As were many other former student's from Hogwarts. We did not know who he was then at the time. I suggest you put it out of your mind, Harry.'

'But he's supposed to be after me, professor. I should know what he was to my parents.'

'He was a traitor and nothing more.' Professor Lupin said sharply. 'Do not speak to me of it.' His voice cracked, and as a myriad of emotions threatened to overcome him, he fled from Harry and sought refuge in his office and his only photo of Lily.

It was from the wedding; he, James and Sirius were also in it. He glared at Sirius' grinning face and a sob escaped him as he saw Lily put his arms around his photographic self.

Amidst the throes of anger at both Sirius and himself, he hurled the photo at the wall and huddled under his desk where he usually kept himself subdued at that time of the month, where he would undoubtedly be tonight, and allowed himself to cry for them, for her.

* * *

'Thankyou for assisting me, Severus', Albus Dumbledore said as he handed Professor Snape his book.

'Not at all, Professor Dumbledore.'

'Is Remus' potion nearly ready?'

Snape scowled slightly, but replied in the affirmative. 'With all due respect, professor, I do not think it was a wise decision to employ him. 'What if here were to assist Black into the castle using the Whomping Willow?'

'Severus.' Dumbledore said warningly. 'Many have questioned my decision to keep you on. But I do not let them speak against you. I expect you to trust me in a likewise manner.'

Dumbledore had him beat there. 'Of course, professor.' They began walking towards Snape's office.

'I have however been watching his interactions with Harry Potter.'

'Oh?' Snape was interested.

'He showed foresight in keeping Harry from facing the Dementor in the classroom, but he seems to be left more morose after every lesson with him. I suppose it must be hard; Harry looks so much like James.'

Snape generally kept his opinions about the Potter boy to himself in front of the headmaster, but his sneer was unmistakeable at the mention of his former arch-enemy.

'I also sense his anger every time Sirius Black is mentioned. That above all, Severus is the reason why I trust Remus in this matter. I do not believe he would willingly help Sirius Black when he was the one who led his friends to their death. I think your ideas are too illogical sometimes. I have told you my feelings on this matter and I expect you to not mention this in front of me again.

'Yes, professor.' Dumbledore looked at his watch. 'Sundown is in fifteen minutes, Severus. You'd best hurry that potion to Remus. I will see you at dinner this evening.'

* * *

They went their separate ways, and Severus rushed to the potions lab. The wolfsbane potion was just finished perfectly and he filled a goblet up to the brim with it.

No matter how much he disliked Remus, it would not do to be late, and no doubt, Dumbledore would be angry with him if such a thing did in fact happen. He would have to floo there.

Snape ignited the fireplace and threw the powder in it, watching as the flames turned a vibrant green. 'Lupin's office', he stated as he stepped into the fire and felt the warmth of the flames around him.

In just a few short seconds, he stepped out of the flames and into Lupin's office. But where was he?

Snape looked around the room, seeing the shattered glass against the wall and the photo. From his angle, he could only see Black and Lupin. Snape shook his head in disbelief and it was then that he heard a shuddering sound coming from under the desk.

Snape placed the goblet on it, and peeked under. He snorted in disgust at the sight of the snivelling pathetic man crying into his lap.

'Lupin, I brought your potion.'

'Just leave ...umph… desk', he muttered nigh unintelligibly.

'You're not crying over your sodding girlfriend Black, are you, Lupin? Bloody hell, I thought you would have gotten over him by now.'

'Just give me the damn potion, Sirius!' Snape tutted arrogantly. 'Oh, not a very nice word, Lupin. Y'know when the Potters were killed, everyone thought you were heartbroken over their death, but I know it was really because your sodding lover was a convicted murder.'

'Has it come back to this, Severus?' Lupin said wearily. 'Cheap, insulting barbs that don't mean anything?'

Snape crouched down to his level. 'Oh, the poor Lupin pretends he's not hurt while he's snivelling like a little boy?' He reached out to pat his head condescendingly, but jumped back as Lupin leaped out from under the desk and almost snarled, 'well you'd know all about that wouldn't you, Snivellus?'

'Oh, are we back to petty name calling, Moony?' Snape mocked Lupin; a dangerous move because he was looking seriously infuriated.

'Damnit, you fool! It was Lily, not Sirius!' Lupin's werewolf aggressiveness became apparent as he took hold of Snape and began shaking him, anxious to take out his anger onto anyone. 'I **HATE **Sirius! If you can't see that, you're a damn fool! A damn fool!' Lupin choked the words out as his grip tightened around Snape's throat.

'Then you're even more pathetic than I thought!' Even when being assaulted by a man, angry and alone for thirteen years, and who would turn into a werewolf in approximately five minutes, Snape could not resist biting back.

'Don't tempt me, Snape!' Lupin growled. 'I don't care if you are God incarnate Himself, things have changed since school, and right now, I don't care if you live or die, so I would get the hell out of here if I were you!'

Lupin was one of the most stable men that Snape knew. Volatility and anger was not something he was used to from him, but he was used to it. 'Unhand me, you daft man and drink your potion before it's too late! Then I will get the hell out of your office.'

Lupin glared at him, all the depressing sadness and self-pity had been replaced by animalistic rage. Lupin tore the door open, nearly ripping it off its hinges and unceremoniously threw Snape out of the room, not caring if he got hurt in the process or broke all his bones. The door slammed shut, and Lupin stalked over to his desk, dispensing of the potion in one long swig.

He calmed himself enough so that when Professor McGonagall cautiously popped her head in to see if he was all right, he didn't slam the door on her with her head in tow.

'I'm okay', he said gruffly. 'Go away.' McGonagall did so and with a howl of frustration, he felt the familiar aching pains that his body went through each time he transformed into the thing he dreaded most. As he felt the changes being wrought upon him, Lupin, the now fully complete werewolf, rescued the photo he had hurled so angrily at the wall less than an hour ago from the shards of glass that cut his fur covered paws somewhat gratifyingly.

He clumsily folded the photo to show only Lily, and crept back under his desk, his low mournful howls hauntingly ringing through the castle walls throughout the night. In all his years as a werewolf since their death, he had never felt so broken…


End file.
